Straight men with other men?
Why do some straight men have sex with other men?
According to nationally representative surveys in the United States, hundreds of thousands of straight-identified men have had sex with other men. In the new book Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, UBC sociologist Dr. Tony Silva argues that these men are not closeted, bisexual or just experimenting
According to nationally representative surveys in the United States, hundreds of thousands of straight-identified men have had sex with other men.
In the new book Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America released today, UBC sociologist Dr. Tony Silva argues that these men – many of whom enjoy hunting, fishing and shooting guns – are not closeted, bisexual or just experimenting.
After interviewing 60 of these men over three years, Dr. Silva found that they enjoy a range of relationships with other men, from hookups to sexual friendships to secretive loving partnerships, all while strongly identifying with straight culture.
We spoke with Dr. Silva about his book
Why some straight men have sex with other men
Sexual identities and sexual behaviours don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognize sexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostly straight.”
Fewer people know that some men and women have same sex encounters yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians or bisexuals.
When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.
In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between identity and behaviour, and researchers from around the world – in the United States, Australia and the U.K. – have studied this topic.
It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.
Skirting around cheating
As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. Most men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?
My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.
Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as, I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”
These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.
Identities reflect sexual, nonsexual aspects of life
To answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:
“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”
Bisexuality
I have been arguing with someone about what bisexuality is. The person has put their foot down about bisexuals only being attracted to men and women/ p~nises and v~ginas. I have come to understood that bisexuality is fluid and means being attracted to more than one gender.
At least that has been my experience. Personally, I’m more attracted to what they present as (feminine or masculine, but) and not caring so much about what’s actually in their pants as this other person claims bisexuals do.
In another words I could gladly fall in love without a trans person despite what reproductive organs they have. I do still prefer males (aka the p*nises this other person is so obsessed with)
Is bisexuality really just a box where you only like p~nises and v~ginas or is this other person just stuck in their own idea? Am I not a “true” bisexual for liking people outside the male-female spectrum?
I’m going to quote my favourite bi page I visit because these comments saying how bisexuality is about liking a certain number of genders and completely giving false information about WHY bisexuality has the prefix of “2” and how it’s NOT based on f*cking gender or quantity of genders in the first place! I can’t believe everyone in here has failed to learn this about bisexuality and keeps regurgitating the same biphobia misinformation bisexual activists have been fighting for 60 years.
Why do straight-identified men have sex with other men?
The majority of the men I interviewed reported that they are primarily attracted to women, not men. Most of these men are also married to women and prefer to have sex with women.
They explained that although they loved their wives, their marital sex lives were not as active as they wanted. Sex with men allowed them to have more sex. They don’t consider sex with men cheating and see it as a loophole in their marriage contract.
Some of them also have stereotypical beliefs about women’s sexuality and think that if they have extramarital sex with women, the women could become ‘emotionally clingy’ and that it could threaten their marriage.
People who live in small towns and rural areas typically consider marriage as an important part of their identity. These men think that sex with men is a lot less complicated with no attachment. I find it particularly interesting and ironic that their conservative beliefs about gender actually encourage them to have sex with men.
Other men chose to have sex with men for reasons related to masculinity. Some men enjoyed receiving anal sex from other men because this act allowed them to experience pleasure, but without the pressure they felt when they had sex with women.
For example, several men explained that they felt like they were expected to be in control when they had sex with women, but not with men. Several single men were lonely or wanted to experience human touch but were unsure how to do so platonically in a way that felt masculine. Sex helped them connect with other men in a way that felt masculine to them, ironic as that may sound.
Why do these men still identify as straight? Why are they not considered bisexual?
Most of the men identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their integration in communities composed mostly of straight people, or the way they understood their masculinity.
Identifying as straight also meant they could avoid stigma and feel connected to a socially dominant group. Many felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given other aspects of their lives. They felt that heterosexuality and masculinity were “normal” and expected of them.
Furthermore, sexuality is multidimensional, and attractions, behaviours and identities do not always align. Sexual identities may describe how individuals perceive themselves, but they do not always indicate a person’s attractions or sexual behaviours.
For example, when a “closeted” gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret gay/bisexual identity. When a straight-identified man has sex with another man, he views himself as straight despite sex with men.
While many people understandably think that men are “closeted” if they have sex with other men yet identify as straight, this is not exactly true. These men are secretive about their sexual behaviour, but not their identity. In fact, sexual encounters with men are mostly irrelevant to their identity.
How do these men view homosexuality and LGBTQ2+ rights?
A minority of the men I interviewed were homophobic and held prejudice against LGBTQ2+ people and this prejudice makes the thought of an LGBTQ2+ identity unappealing to them. However, the majority of the men, supported same-sex marriage and the right for same-sex couples to raise children.
To confirm these interview findings, I analysed one nationally representative survey called the National Survey of Family Growth. I looked at the responses of straight-identified men who reported consensual sex with at least two other men, compared to those who had not, on questions about LGBTQ2+ rights and masculinity. They were similar in their attitudes to other straight men. In other words, straight men who have sex with men are no more prejudiced than other straight men.
Smalltown Men
The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives
Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming explained: “I would say straight because those best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.
It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexual is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.
Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviours shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.
Bisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by romantic, sexual, or emotional attraction to more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree.
It’s a diverse identity, often misunderstood as binary (only two genders), but encompasses attraction to various genders, challenging the idea that people must be solely attracted to men or women, and it can overlap with or differ from terms like pansexuality.
Bisexual individuals experience attraction across genders, forming a significant part of the LGBTQ+ community, though they often face unique challenges like bi-invisibility or erasure.
I came out of the closet a few years ago and have always seen myself as bi. I’m attracted to all genders albeit I have preferences between them and haven’t been in a relationship outside of a “straight presenting” one.
