Dad, I am Gay
Mum Dad I am Gay
I was watching reels on youtube and one was about young men and women coming out to their parents as gay. The response was amazing, the parenthood of the old generation has changed a lot. Today's fathers or mothers are my generation and we have come a long way to here. My generation understands how it feels to feel fear, lonely, different.
I wish my parents were like us today more open more free, but what they have been through was a projection to their early experience in life. What is the point deny your sons or daughters sexuality. If you do you will loose them from your life. Accept what they are and love them.
I had to leave home and my hometown because I knew if they found out I will be in trouble. In this game we both lost, they lost a son and I lost them. How could I change what I was and am just to please therm?
However, even today it is easier to come out still some people doubt their love the parents can offer them. They do ask Are you still love me? No matter what you do in life even rejection from your parents you must know this.
Your mother still see you as a baby, a tiny little baby and as a mother no matter if you are a murderer she will still love you. She gave a birth to you, nature would not allow the hate between a mother and her born.
Gay author and political commentator Andrew Sullivan has said that, when he came out to his family, his father wept. When he regained his composure, his father explained that he was just imagining what Andrew had been through and was sorry he wasn’t there for him.
In his book, Always my Child: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Supporting Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning Son or Daughter, Kevin Jennings, a former member of the Obama administration, related his own experience. “I did not come out until I had moved far enough away from home to feel safe to do so,” he wrote. “
But I often think back about how different my life would have been if I had been raised in an open, accepting atmosphere. In school, I was tormented, teased, and beaten. But I never felt I could come home and tell my family why this was happening to me or ask them for help.”
Robert Bernstein, author of Straight Parents, Gay Children: Keeping Families Together, told how his family came to grips with having a lesbian daughter. In his book, he expressed “an overriding regret” that he and other adults in her life were not there for her when she was struggling with feelings she didn’t understand.
I respect Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), and I think we should expand on a statement that appears on some of its chapters’ websites. Among their “Frequently Asked Questions” is this: “Should I talk to a loved one about his or her sexual orientation or gender identity before the person talks to me?” The answer given is, “It’s seldom appropriate to ask a person, ‘Are you gay?’ Your perception of another person’s sexual orientation (gay or straight) or gender identity (male or female) is not necessarily what it appears.”
It assumes the person referred to is a casual acquaintance whose sexual orientation shouldn’t concern us. But the question is about talking to a loved one! Although “Are you gay?” is not the best way to introduce the subject, I urge parents not to wait until a family member brings it up, as that may happen only after they have suffered in silence for years.
What if all parents were open about various kinds of relationships as soon as their kids were old enough to know about romantic love? How different would the world be if all children were raised with the knowledge that they could love anyone, that they didn’t have to conform to stereotypical gender roles, and that everyone deserves respect?
Start the dialogue early
Some parents believe that raising children by shielding them from learning about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals will guarantee they’ll be heterosexual and cisgender. It won’t. Their sexual orientation and gender identity will occur naturally, regardless of parental or outside influences.
CNN anchorman Anderson Cooper said, “I’ve always known I was gay from the time I was a little kid. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t aware of it, even before I knew what it was or the name of it.”
Out of fear that their parents won’t accept them as they are, many gay kids hide their feelings for a long time. If open discussions don’t happen until puberty, that’s about 10 years too late. And if you wait until you hear the words, “Mom, Dad, I’m gay,” it may be much too late to ease the pain of growing up gay. Imagine what it must feel like for a child who knows he’s attracted to his own gender to sit in church and hear the pastor call him “an abomination.”
Gay kids often suffer emotionally, do poorly in school, or cope with alcohol or drugs. They may be bullied. They are three times more likely to attempt suicide. And if they do end their lives, their parents may never know that their sexual orientation was the underlying cause—or perhaps learn of it in a suicide note.
No, you shouldn’t have known.
So often parents tell me, “I should have known!” But the truth is, you didn’t have to know. This does not make you a bad parent. You didn’t think of your child as gay or straight. Or you assumed they were straight. Some research says that 95% of people are straight, so your assumption was a safe one.
The thought that you should have known also points to unhelpful beliefs that we can recognize that someone is gay by how they look or what they do. That is just not the case. Sexual orientation is not visible or noticeable, especially when the person tries to hide it.
Lastly, your child has probably gone to great lengths so that you wouldn’t know.
And they were successful at this.
And that is OK.
It’s not just a phase.
Being gay means that a person feels some sort of attraction toward the same sex. Your child is not likely to misinterpret their attraction. If they feel it, it’s probably there.
Even if it happens to be a phase, which is rarely is, it still shouldn’t be ignored or minimized. Just as you treated other phases, allow the experience of the phase to help your child grow.
You can still be a grandparent.
Although gay parents are more visible today than ever before, parents often worry that their children will not be able to have kids. And worse, that they won’t become grandparents themselves!
This fear is understandable. But, it’s also a little silly. Just having a heterosexual child doesn’t guarantee that you will have grandchildren, either.
And, as you know, there are many different ways for anybody to become a parent. When that moment comes for you, it will be just the way it was supposed to be.
Coming out is not a one-and-done deal.
Your child will come out repeatedly and continuously – forever. And so will you! This world assumes they are straight until proven otherwise.
Whenever your daughter mentions her girlfriend or partner for the first time, she will notice that people adjust their mental picture.
I notice this all the time. Because I’m married, it’s often easy just to casually throw something about “my husband” into the conversation. I haven’t gotten negative responses, but I notice a little coming-out moment that lasts about five seconds, and happens over and over.
The same thing will happen to you. At first, it can be terrifying when you say something about your son and his boyfriend. But with time, coming out becomes very easy and natural.
The more secure you feel of who you are, the easier it will be for others to accept you, too. You’ll see!
There isn’t one right way to respond.
Just like with everything else in parenting, there isn’t one right way to respond when your child comes out. They probably planned his coming out for a while, or at least they thought long about it.
You, on the other hand, may have been caught by surprise. At that moment, you are dealing with many thoughts and feelings coming up at once. It can be overwhelming.
Parents often feel guilty over how they responded. Or, they are unsure if their response was good enough. And of course, there are many ways to respond that are just not helpful. But remember that what you do afterward is what really matters.
The coming-out conversation is just one moment of many. Whatever you said or didn’t say can be overshadowed by what you will do after. You can’t un-say it, but you can take it back.
Do your best, and focus on maintaining a loving, safe, and trusting relationship with your child. That’s what matters most.
What to say
Don’t try to have an adult conversation with a seven-year-old. Talk to children at their age level. And don’t buy into the hysteria over primary-school children supposedly being exposed to “sex education.” Books like My Two Mommies or Daddy’s Roommate are about love, not sex, and are no more harmful to a child’s psyche than stories like Cinderella.
Include LGBTQ friends or relatives in your family gatherings, and show that you respect their relationships. Don’t be afraid of “recruiting,” as your children will instinctively know whether your LGBTQ acquaintances will become role models.
Children will readily accept homosexuality and a variety of gender identities as normal if their parents do.
Teach your children that everyone deserves a chance at love. Communicate honestly, and let them know you are supportive of LGBTQ people. Whether your kids are destined to be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or asexual, you will have done your job well if they grow up to be happy, well-adjusted and tolerant.
As a mother, when you first have your precious bundle of life handed to you at the hospital, you don’t think what if… what if my child turns out to be gay?
At that moment, they just belong to your heart and your instinct is to protect them forever.
My second son Matthew was such a beautiful looking baby with big blue eyes and angelic blonde hair, but everyone used to tell me that he looked like a girl.
As he grew older, my son loved to play with dolls and always hung out with the girls in the playground – he was never short of female friends.
Call it a mother’s instinct, but I knew from an early age that he would one day tell me that he was gay. I didn’t mind at all. He was my son – a lovely and kind boy with a caring nature, one that now comes through in his day-to-day job as a mental health nurse.
It was a different story when my daughter Beth arrived.
She was the first girl to be born in our family for 31 years, and I was so excited.
At last, I could buy dresses, patent shoes and lovely hair accessories – but little did I know that my little girl would end up loving dungarees, jeans and leggings.
The shoes became trainers, and the hair bunches and plaits that I did were pulled out by the time we arrived at school. The only time I could get her in a dress or a skirt was when she was forced to wear the mandatory school uniform.
We are a very open dialogue family and there isn’t anything we can’t talk about with each other – but I won’t lie, when she first came out to me, it was hard to hear.
I still wanted this little girl who was into makeup and nails, and would wear pretty dresses.
At first, I described it as a ‘phase she was going through’, but as time went on I realised that ‘this’ wasn’t going to go away. I had to accept Beth for who she is. After all, I accepted her brother – so what was the difference?
Now when people ask me how I feel about having two children who are gay, my answer is: I love it. Our children do not get a choice when it comes to their sexuality, and I am proud to live in a rainbow house – life is never dull.
So I was saddened to see recent research that revealed 25 per cent of adults wouldn’t be proud to have an LGBT child. A gay child is no different to any other child – they just need family support and acceptance of their gender.
Once they have that, dealing with society and negative views is a lot easier.
When Beth told us about Christian Gay – her drag persona – I realised quickly it was the best thing to ever happen to her, and as a family it cemented our bond. We all love drag and personally, I love the queens.
When Beth entered competitions we all helped in critiquing her performance and putting together her costumes. I am so proud to see Christian Gay grow.
Just as mental health promotes the message that ‘It’s OK not to be OK’, well, it’s also OK to be gay – stand strong.
Both of my kids worked hard at school, then worked hard at university, and now they are both doing what they love. Why wouldn’t I be proud of them?
If the son or a daughter tells your they are gay all you have to do is to accept it because you can not change who they are instead of been upset just tell them you lover therm.
I speak to many parents who suspect that their child is gay but hasn’t come out to them yet. They come to me because they want to prepare for the moment when their child opens up to them. Other times, parents need to process their own thoughts and feelings right after their child comes out as gay.
I consistently notice that even the most accepting parent asks some of the questions that I will answer here.
If you consider yourself an accepting person, who supports LGBT people around you, but you also struggle with the idea that your child is officially coming out, please don’t beat yourself up. As a parent, you want the best for your child. Being LGBT can bring some extra complications into the mix, and it’s only natural for you to want to protect your child from hardship.
When your child comes out as gay, they are giving you new information about their identity that adjusts how you see them. This is not to say that this picture becomes better or worse – it just changes.
You need time to adjust.
By the time your child comes out as gay to you, they have processed their thoughts and feelings about their sexual orientation for years. They have observed and analyzed their every experience. They have observed others in their community, and they have probably paid attention to how you talk about gay people in your family. They have already thought all these things through for quite a while.
You, on the other hand, may not have suspected any of it. As a parent, you have certain mental images of who your child is. You envision their future, and you do everything you can to help them reach the best future possible.
When your child comes out to you, this image changes. It’s ok if you feel a bit disoriented. Give yourself time. You don’t need to be totally 100% on board right away. Your child has many years ahead still.
Your child will be safe.
Of course, nobody can promise this to any parent of any child. But one of many parents’ most common fears is that their child will be a victim of homophobia-fueled violence.
We have all heard the terrible stories of how gay couples were beaten just for holding hands on the street. This happens, even today, even where we live. But it doesn’t happen all the time, everywhere, or to every gay person.
I know many, many young LGBT people who have never been harassed. They may get looks, and they may feel unsafe in certain places. But in today’s world, it’s very possible for your gay child to be safe as they live an open and honest life.
Just like with any other safety issues, it’s a good idea to have a conversation with your child about what to look out for, and how to be appropriately cautious.
Your child may actually feel a little safer than they are because their peers are so accepting of them. This may worry you because you want them to be careful when they need to be. But something else to consider is that just as homophobia is still around, so are LGBT allies – in increasing numbers.
LGBT allies are everywhere.
Your child will be OK.
This one often comes up with White families, but it’s also a very common fear for many parents who are POC. When their child comes out, they lose some privilege. This can feel terrifying. Parents worry about how their child will be judged simply because of who they are. And yes, this is true and will happen.
Children of families who belong to racial minorities experience it all the time. They know that they can’t, and don’t need to, change or neglect who they are. They learn to code-switch. They understand that certain aspects of life are harder for them, and they often work harder for the same results.
So yes, your child will face struggles you didn’t face. It may be hard for them, especially during the school years. But the struggle will also give their life special meaning and depth.
What they can learn from facing prejudice will make them better people.
Sexual orientation is not first about sex.
I really wish the word sex wasn’t part of sexual orientation. One reason why many teens don’t come out to their parents is that they try to avoid the sex-talk.
Parents of boys often worry more about safe sex because of the stigma of HIV and because of the sexualized image of “gay culture.” Your child’s risk of contracting an STI exists whether they are gay or straight.
When your child just comes out, consider responding to their concerns and discussing how their coming-out can affect relationships before you start the sex-talk. There will be a time and a place for it. Give it a minute.
Allow your child to see that relationships and attraction aren’t just about sex. And remember that talking with your child about responsible sexual behavior is an ongoing conversation, independent from their sexual orientation.
Be nice to yourself.
You’ve heard the expression kids don’t come with a manual. But gosh, nobody really prepares you for when your kid comes out as gay. You may be the first one in your mom-group, or dad-group, or your family. And even without instructions or support, you have to go ahead and deal with it anyway.
You’ll make mistakes, just like any parent does. That’s fine!
You aren’t perfect, and by allowing yourself to be imperfect, you are modeling to your child, that it’s OK for them to be imperfect, too.
It brings tears to my eyes when I see parents accepting their sons or daughters sexuality and anger or rather feel sorry for ther ones who do not
