Understand Bisexuality
Understand Bisexuality
Real Stories
According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of bisexuality is being “sexually attracted to both men and women.” A straightforward definition it would seem. Unfortunately the reason I am writing this bloody post is because so many people don’t understand my sexuality. I am frequently asked questions like “Are you sure?” and “Maybe you should think about it again?”
Sound lads, but remember back when I was the tender age of fourteen and I bravely came out? Yeah? I had already thought about it and I was sure! But thank you for your ongoing concern.
The problem that has led me to writing this post is not a personal one. Having said that, this is a personal blog so yes of course I will be referring to myself throughout (as I always do). The real problem here is the misconception of bisexuality alongside homosexuality and heterosexuality.
Basically, everyone knows the difference between gay and straight, but how many people stop to think about the alternative? Do we honestly even appreciate that bisexuality does exist? If we don’t we’re simply fooling ourselves.
Of course it exists. It’s not like Santa Claus where it exists for a few years and then poof, gone. And it is certainly not “just going through a phase.”
As the definition above does not state, bisexuality isn’t a case of being attracted to both men and women equally. So for those of you that think “Oh, she likes girls more so she’s a lesbian,” go get a fucking dictionary.
As bisexual activist Robyn Ochs put it, “bisexuality is the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
With that said, I am very much aware of how curiosity leads to people tossing the label around like an old hat. I have encountered many individuals who have said to me “Olivia, I think I’m bi.” Turns out most of them were either experimenting or thought it was cool to be bisexual.
A lot of people who identify as bisexual do end up coming out as gay/straight in the future, and I’m certainly not denying that. Many people also identify as bisexual because they think bisexuality doesn’t get as much stick as homosexuality. “No, no I’m still half straight” – you’re still gonna get abuse, hun.
Why is it important to bust myths that surround it?
Myths in general, whether they are surrounding sexuality or gender can be dangerous. They can be misleading and provide false narratives to those who may be struggling with their own sexuality or gender, as well as contributing to stigma – a common problem bi people face. Busting myths that surround bisexuality can allow for others to gain a better understanding without misinformation being spread.
Myth #1: People who consider themselves to be bisexual are actually heterosexual, but they are simply experimenting or trying to be trendy.
Reality: This is a common form of prejudice that bi people face. People are free to experiment with their sexuality and dismissing this as attempting to be “cool” is a way of invalidating their experience. Even if some people who experiment come to identify as heterosexual, this does not invalidate the people who have come to accept their bisexual identity.
Myth #2: Bisexuals are shallow, narcissistic, untrustworthy and immoral.
Reality: Mistrust from the queer and cis-het community has created a false stereotype of bi people who are obsessed with sex at all costs, as if being attracted to multiple genders means they lack the normal feelings, attachments, and moral compass of other queer or straight people. It’s a form of demonisation that arises from a lack of understanding, and the way in which bi people’s existence calls binary notions of sexual attraction into question. It’s wholly untrue. Bi people are just as caring, trustworthy, and moral as the rest of us.
Myth #3: Politically speaking, bi people betray the cause of lesbian/gay liberation. They pass as heterosexual to avoid trouble and maintain heterosexual privilege.
Reality: Some bi people may hide their sexual identity, as many of us have done in the past, in order to avoid stigma and prejudice, but this is just as true for gay, lesbian, and trans people. It’s important to remember that having to “pass” as heterosexual is just as damaging for bi folk as it is for anyone else who must hide a part of themselves in order to feel safe. This myth also entirely ignores the huge population of out, proud, politically active bi people who have consistently fought for LGBTQ+ rights and is another case of bi people being othered by the rest of the queer community.
Myth #4: Bi people are equally attracted to men and women
Reality: Some bisexuals do experience a ’50/50 attraction’ to different gender identities but many do not have preferences that fit into a neatly split percentage or a set percentage in who they choose. Preferences may change over time and a percentage split is a poor way of examining something as complex as sexual attraction.
Myth #5: Only women are bisexual
Reality: Many assume that bisexual men don’t exist in large partly due to the lack of visibility. Truthfully, bisexual men are just simply less likely to openly identify as there are lower levels of societal acceptance. As a result of the lack of social acceptance of bisexual men, and endemic misogyny, bisexual women often bear the brunt of overt biphobia and discrimination.
Myth #6: Bi people tend towards non-monogamy and are more likely to cheat.
Reality: This perception that bi people tend to be more promiscuous contributes to the fear that a bisexual partner might suddenly run away to be with someone of a different gender. This is one of the oldest and most damaging myths about bi people that many queer people may remember here growing up. Promiscuity and sexuality do not correlate, and calling all bi folk cheaters is simply another way of invalidating their experience and discriminatorily filtering potential partners based on sexual orientation.
Being an ally means spending time in getting to know the different terminologies. Stopping the spread of misinformation is a step forward in supporting the community.
In fact, bisexuals face even more abuse than homosexuals. Believe it or not, bisexuality is not accepted as a legit sexuality by many (not all) gays and lesbians. They believe bisexuality to be a compromise of their sexuality.
This hostility is not as prominent in recent times, what with the LGBTI+ community rallying together in the fight for equality, and all that jazz. I believe that underneath the surface, however, that hostility still remains.
For many people bisexuality comes as a hard concept to grasp. How is it possible to like both sexes? How do you decide when you want which? The thing is, drumroll please… you don’t. It’s kind of like when you go to a buffet and you’re not sure whether you want the steak or the chicken.
Then you go to the counter and see the steak and the chicken next to each other and you’re like “Yeah, I fancy a nice bit of steak tonight.” But at the same time you wouldn’t say no to the chicken either. Get me? What I’m trying to say in a roundabout way is that the attraction depends on who the person is, what their physical appearance is like, and whether or not they’re actually available.
Sounds fairly heterosexual doesn’t it?
Something of a pet peeve of mine is people’s’ tendency to use the term “lesbian” to define my sexuality. How kind of you to recognise that I like girls but hey, guess what? Men have a shot with me too!
The funny thing is I always joke about my sexuality. I actually have an example from two nights ago. We were all having a few drinks in the house Tuesday evening and I wandered over to the sofa, only to find three lads lying on the ground together. Without even thinking about it I shouted
“HEY! I’m the only one allowed to be in same-sex relationships in this house. I’m going to heterosexual it up here.” And so I proceeded to lie across the three of them, in the most non-sexual way possible might I add.
However, it becomes a whole other ball game when someone else changes my sexuality. Either get it right or don’t mention it at all. I watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory the other day and in the episode Leonard and Penny get goo all over Sheldon’s seat on the sofa.
Howard thought he could help by swapping Raj’s seat with Sheldon’s and he exclaimed “Problem solved.” To which Sheldon replied, “If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be ‘problem solved’?” Slight exaggeration but that’s pretty much my view when people refer to bisexuals as gay/lesbian.
Even though without reading back I’m sure a lot of this is me going off on a tangent, I hope you can understand the problem here and how it should be addressed. Bisexuality is not a joke, nor is it a reason to make a sexual object out of someone.
We all need to show more respect to those who identify as bisexual and to not always try to gently guide them down the path of gay or straight. If you still don’t understand bisexuality, then it is not up to you how a bisexual should or should not act. Bear that in mind next time you try to persuade someone that their sexuality is imaginary.
Defining the term ‘Bisexual’.
The term bisexual has come to mean slightly different things in popular culture. It is a broad and inclusive term that describes the physical attraction to more than one gender. It’s important to note that bisexuality is varied, as all sexual identities are. A bi person may be attracted to different sexes or genders in different ways or be attracted to more than one sex or gender. In other words, there are many ways to be bisexual.
Real Story
“Hello. I want to start off and say that I understand the confusion. A lot of people I’m sad to say have grown up with a very limited understanding of bisexuality because except for a lucky few, most of us didn’t have access to bisexual history or activism and got the bare minimum and narrow description of bisexuality which is the common “attracted to men and woman.”
While bisexuals being attracted to men and woman is a technically correct definition since bisexuality does include them, it’s not the whole truth and leaves out about 99% of the entire story. What people think that pansexuality is, is in truth what bisexuality has always been.
When it comes to there being a “difference” between bi and pan, honestly there really is no difference between Bi or Pan that many bisexuals cis, trans, and nonbinary alike have pointed out, doesn’t end up relying on biphobia, transphobia, bi erasure of bisexual history or just a lot of misinformation.
The whole reason pansexuality even became popular is because a 2002 Live Journal post by a teenager who also had no knowledge of bisexuality or it’s history, said bisexuality was transphobic and only included cis men & woman which ended up spreading biphobia, and transphobia from there because the overwhelming majority of people just didn’t have anyone to say “hey that’s wrong, this is what bisexuality is” and set the record straight.
Bisexuality has always included and welcomed trans, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming people even before we had modern terminology to describe them.
The definition “Regardless of gender” itself was invented by bisexual activists to define bisexuality and the modern bisexual movement that started in the 70’s. So regardless of gender is bisexualities real definition.
Many people inappropriately try to use the “bi” prefix to argue what bisexuality should mean, and that is called an etymology fallacy. The “bi” in bisexuality doesn’t represent a quantity of genders and never has.
It refers to bridging the attraction patterns of homo (same as) and hetero (different from) which covers all regardless of gender because it’s not based on gender in the first place. People using etymological fallacies to define bi as binary to justify biphobia is wrong and in the end hurts bisexuals. Though I’m just explaining and in no way accusing anybody of doing so.
Unfortunately, since a lie and misinformation spread faster than the truth it’s taken 20 years to put the pieces of knowledge of what bisexuality truly means back together that were lost or buried due to bi erasure.
To quote Bisexual activists Janet Bode who invented the definition of regardless of gender in her book (The Pressure Cooker) : “Being bisexual does not mean having sexual relations with both sexes, but that they are capable of meaningful and intimate involvement with a person regardless of gender” – 1976″
